spare it not

Do you remember as a child being loved? The most vivid times in my childhood of knowing I was loved was those minutes before my mom/dad would walk into to spank me or my siblings. From really early on, I pitied my parents for having ME as a child. I was onery, rebellious and prideful. But, I knew that they loved me.

Once, in a moment of rare disobedience, my brother was going to get a spanking. Just my brother. This was unusual because, he usually only got into trouble because I told him to do something, or dragged him along on one of my crazy schemes. I can't even remember what it was he did...but he was in trouble and waiting for my mom in the bathroom. I was sitting at the dining room table and watching her face as she was washing dishes. She was breathing quickly and I could tell she was agitated with him.

Then, I saw it.

Her lip quivered and her eyes scrunched up for just a tiny split second. Her eyes went up to the ceiling and a slow breath was let out as her eyes got a red watery look to them.

It hit me, even though I was only 7 or 8 years old, that my mother did NOT want to spank my brother. I knew she loved him. She did. I even harbored secret thoughts that he was her favorite! I could see she was indecisive. I could see she was at war with her thoughts.

But, what did she do?

She grabbed her belt and marched off to the bathroom, where I listened in puzzlement to her hard tones, then her whacking, then my brother's howling. Then more talking.

My brother and her came out hand in hand. He was somber, but his eyes were bright as she and he talked about something in very cheerful tones.

It's things like that that remind me that it's so hard to be a loving, gentle woman to my children, but at the same time, show them that I love them, that God loves them and wants them to be good children.

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hear your song

I don't know what to do with myself. Right now, I'm a really big mess. I'm longing for things I am pretty sure will never come to pass. It's so hard to LET go of things!

It's November soon. November always reminds me of Nanowrimo. I participated a few years ago and I did GREAT. I don't think I have time this year...but it always reminds me that I want to finish writing my book. It always reminds me that I need to keep updating my blog regularly with...crazy things about my life.

Who knows if anyone really cares or reads...but somehow I feel this urge to write it out anyway. And this is a good place to keep all my thoughts in case I die or something you guys won't have to go digging in my messy closet for my journals. :)

It's turning cold here. I don't like turning on the heaters. We sleep in a cold house at night. Somehow I think a warm bed and a cold house helps you sleep better. I don't know why I believe this. My kids are all pretty warm blooded so that is a good thing.

I wrote all this and at the end I'm still at that same point of longing. I need Jesus to help me let this go. I surely cannot do anything without him.

hearts, stars and moons,

SarahLynn

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From my old blog November 2006

dark letters on the page

I can't seem to think of anything to write.
That makes for a very blank blog.
I tried to think of things to blog about as I was driving the minivan to yet another ballet lesson, sandwiched in between grocery shopping and paying bills.

I finished "To Kill a Mockingbird". I wasn't that impressed actually. I loved reading it. But, the point of it, was a point I read from some other book long before I read that one. However, the characters in it were real people. I love it when I find real live people in the pages of a book. It's the kind of feeling I get when I have to go from someone's presence that I really enjoy. That last page ends and you wonder what will happen to them after you 've left.

To ease the hunger of my neverending insatiable appetite for long drawn out fiction, I went to Goodwill and bought 3 of the fattest books I could find.
Now that I am a grand age of 27, I know that I like reading fiction the best. I won't lie and say I like philosophy or politics. No. I love fiction. With a capital F. :) The 3 aforementioned books are now patiently waiting from the top shelf of my bookcase.
Sean doesn't read books hardly ever. He asked me why I didn't read history or politics or something "with purpose". I told him that books for me, have never had any purpose except to provide escape to places I'd probably never go, and hang out with people who don't care what I know about them. That is a book's purpose for me.

Sometimes I feel like I'm a hero of sorts. Swooping into Goodwill, or some other dusty used book store and buying 'that' book, and letting it live on my shelves where it will grow old, but never dusty. Then again, I feel like I totally let 'that' book down, when it's time to make dinner and when I set it down, I quickly dog ear it's right page, then rush off to do something else with my time. I am not sure what I feel the most guilty about...not finishing it right away, or dog earing it. My librarian told me, in first grade for sure, that one should never deface a book, "our friends", by bending it an ear. Of course she added that, 'you wouldn't like it if someone bent you an ear now would you?'. Of course not! But, I was born with ears and usually when you rush off to do something else without me, I'll wait til' you come back and finish my story.

Books are people. I'm sure of it. They just have different covers. :)

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Life takes you for a ride

It's been a while since I posted.

I know.

Blogging, tweeting, writing, journaling...I enjoy all of that so much, but lately, life has taken me for such a ride!

Since I last posted anything of consquence...I've moved to a new city, started a new job, gotten a new apartment and made some new friends. :)

It's been so crazy and fast paced since I moved.

City life suits me, but at the same time...there is seldom a quiet moment. I feel like a rushing river at times, I'm always whooshing off to the next thing.

One thing I haven't done...but I will confess to you, is kept up with my morning quiet times. I get up even earlier here than I did in Omak. I seem to have less time in the mornings to sit with my cup of coffee and breathe in the mornings. Instead, I'm up doing and going before I know what hits me and I remember that I haven't had any quiet time...it's 11am and I'm sitting at my desk running reports. :P

I will confess too, that I miss it. I think I'm faltering a bit just from the lack of visiting with God that I had in Omak.

I have also been more focused on keeping my kids in check. I don't have the luxury of homeschooling them..nor do I have the opportunity at this point to stay at home with them....we are living in such a big rushing pond...not at all like Omak. So it's a different enviroment for them too. It's been a lot more intimidating than I thought it would be.

I have been trying to keep our slow paced schedule like we had in Omak. Coming home, homework and dinner...good meals on the table and talking like we did...but DUDE. It's so tough. It's like a different mind set.

It's been tougher still because I get those old pangs of longing. I want a relationship. I want my relationship with Sean back at times even...I laugh it off, but I know deep inside I'm still wishing for 'someone'. I should capitalize that...because I know it shouldn't just be anyone, but when you've been single for a while you want there to be someone so badly you forget and you're almost willing to take anyone. haha.

Some of this seems very trivial.

Very.

So I will end this.

As with blogging, I think of my blogging friends and I am praying for them. I know that I might not have very many readers...but if you read this please pray for my friends the Copelands. I've known them for about 3 years now via internet. They recently moved to a new place too! Guinea! And it's been rough going for them...Baby Emmaus was sick from the last tweet they posted, and Debra was falling sick as well. So, all my stuff seems lame and silly...they're working hard for the kingdom and not feeling so good, so please pray for my friends!

Anyway...hugs and cranberry scones,

SarahLynn

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a lot of stuff to spin

So much has been going on!

Yikes!

I hope to catch this up to date soon.

I'm moving to Spokane instead! Long story.

But I'm all moved out of my old rental. I'm crossing my fingers and I hope I get my deposit back! I worked so SUPER hard on cleaning that house. I even toothbrushed the oven! :P

I"ll catch this up soon!

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Mom and more Mom

My attempts at being a single parent are probably...well, you would laugh if you knew how I run things in my home.

I think I went from controlling the universe stay at home mom to just give me some peace mom. I'm not saying I let my kids do anything they want.

But since the divorce, they do a lot of things I never use to let them do.

Sometimes I wonder if it's just because they're older? Or if I've just learned to let go a little.

We've recently started "Family Reading Night." It comes about once a week. Everyone gets to pick a book and they get to read it out loud to the family. Instead of tv, or video games, we sit around and read out loud. This is really really super good for my two little ones. Jolie only learned to read this year and she is already reading at a 3rd grade level. Kaitlyn is an amazing story teller. She has such expression in her voice and intuitively knows

how to create inflections in her tones and words to spin any boring story into something amazing. I love our times of 'family'. I wish we had done more of this before the divorce.

We also sit down to dinner together. I didn't realize how important this was to my kids until I didn't do it for a couple of nights. Instead I set them up in the living room with a movie while I cleaned another room. They protested after a couple of nights that dinner at the table was more important than cleaning or a movie. :)

We're a family.

We do look different than we did a year ago.

But we're a family.

There is nothing more precious than making time to listen to your kids, or have them talk to you about what they're thinking about. They're only small for such a short time...then it's gone.

I don't know how to tell them sometimes how much I love them. How they mean so much to me. I don't know how to thank my kids and help them understand that they saved my life. I don't know that they can ever really grasp how different their mom's life would be without them. I'm so changed because of who they are in my life. Words just aren't enough.

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What'dja expect?

Okay.
So it's not what I wanted exactly.
I thought by this time I would be moving towards the Spokane area.
But, I'm not.

I can only guess that God is leading us about 4 miles further away. :D
It's hard for me to understand anything about His leading. I try to make sense of Him sometimes...then other times I realize I just have to trust that HE knows. Even if I don't.

I'm hoping our 'mini' move will help me save around $420 dollars a month. That's a large amount of money when I finally tallied and rallied the numbers.
Realistically, I should not have moved me and the kids into the house we've been in for 10 months! It's way over our budget and we have been living beyond our means rent-wise the whole duration we've been here.
God has definitely blessed us in letting us afford this house.

But, it's not wise for me to keep it up if I can save such a significant amount right?

I need to take a photo of me and the kids in front of this house. It's been our FIRST house since the divorce. My first real home all on my own. :) I'll miss it...but I love moving! :-D

Happy Trails,
Sarah Lynn

PS. I realized after posting this, that I don't make much sense about where I'm moving! I'm moving to an apt/house in the adjoining town of Omak. ...aka Okanogan. :D

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From last year

I asked my therapist if he thought I was "normal".
I think I have had that question burning in my soul ever since I discovered that my skin, hair and eyes were different than all the other white people who lived on my block. I was 5 years old. :)

There is this longing within me to just be "normal". I'm not sure what I think that looks like.
Some days I want it to be the white picket fence and the dog.
Other days, I want it to be a happy, stable marriage.
And even on the best days, want to not worry about money.
There are times when I want normal to be skinnier, prettier, smarter...

My 'normal'...is a crying, sarcastic, sometimes depressed, looking for attention, needy person. So, when I asked my therapist...
"So...do you think I'm normal?"

He grandfatherly replied.
"Normal is a judgment. You say, "normal"...what you mean is someone else's idea. At some point you get it in your head that there is something 'wrong' with how you feel, believe, and think. The term normal is some 'imaginary' standard humans have invented. The best question to ask yourself is, "Is that natural?" Ask yourself that and see what you come up with."

Yeah...that's why I pay the man.
So he has time to think of profound things like that. haha.

But it rings so true.
It's natural that I would feel pain.
Hurt.
Anger.
Tears.
It's natural that I need time.
Forgive.
Heal.
Trust.
It's natural that I will still struggle.
Reliving.
Memories.
Bad days.

Maybe you knew all this crap I have been chewing on for days, heck, weeks even!
It's definitely been eye opening.
I kinda feel like I've been sleeping for a long time.
Now, I'm waking up to a new world where there's less of myself throwing out judgments and stones.
Freeing. :)

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