how do i heal

It's been one official year since I have started the whole crazy journey to healing my heart.
Technically it's been over 3 years since my problem with my marriage began. I've loved, lost and grown up a lot in that time. Since a year ago, I have taken a lot of time to just reflect on who/what I am and who/what I am becoming. Sometimes I feel like I take it overboard with the whole...examining my soul.

"Examine yourselves to see if your faith is genuine. Test yourselves. Surely you know that Jesus Christ is among you; if not, you have failed the test of genuine faith." -11 Cor.13:5

The hardest part about God's will is knowing WHAT THE HECK IS GOD'S WILL. :P
Sometimes I feel Him lead in me every single breath I breathe. Other times I'm fumbling around in the dark like I don't know what!

I ask God daily to keep my heart. I place it in His hands every morning. I don't even get out of bed until I have taken that deep breath and asked my Father to HELP me. Because some mornings it's so hard to get up. Getting up to face the day 'alone'. Going at my finances 'alone'. Raising my children, 'alone'. Everything everything 'alone'. My heart is often still battered and sore from the betrayals and sins against my marriage.

But I recognize too that over time...it's slowly gotten better. Things look brighter. It doesn't hurt so badly I can't breathe. I can breathe.

I can say that I still love my ex-husband very much. I can say that I would love to try again and not feel ashamed in it.

It's also coming to a place where I am finally removing blinders to the lies I've believed about myself. For so long...I've believed that I am less than a woman. Less than human even. I was not first in my husband's heart. Another woman held that place...it was gut wrenching. I believed I held no value. I have no worth. I am not worthy to be a wife, a lover or a friend...because he didn't want me. I'm seeing in the light of true healing, that what he did does not define how my God sees me and loves me.

When I look around, I see men who adore my friendship. Men who like talking to me, and hanging out with me...it's flattering. My tender heart is in a place that is quite fragile.
I will be honest with my blog and say, it's terrifying. Because I so badly want to be loved and cherished and adored in this life. I want a mate, a husband and best friend. It's so easy to be caught in a trap of sin and let my heart slide right into a lie that just because I have a man's attention that it's okay.

After all this time...what does it look like to be healed. To be 'recovered'. I read a whole ton of books on the subject and I fit in some of the descriptions...other times I'm so far from the ideal, I worry I will never leave this valley I began a few years ago.

So it's back to examining...and looking, pondering and wondering.
God..what are you doing with me? What is supposed to be there? How am I to respond to what is put before me?
Don't let me wander. Don't let me forget where I've been.


PS. Sorry this is so diary like! But it's on my heart and it has to be said! :)
<3 SarahLynn