the wonder of why

I have been divorced for almost a year now. This year has brought so many new things to my life sometimes my head spins with all the new ideas, plans, thoughts, reason, feelings and directions my life has taken. I can't even begin to list the things I have come to accept about my current situation. Some of it is good...some of the things I still struggle with, are things I have to accept that I may always wrestle with. :P

The biggest question I always ask God is why? We have these 'moments'. Him and me. Usually in the first morning light as I'm sitting at the top of my stairwell. Coffee on the step, my worn journal and study Bible and the sound of silent house. I am still such a child. Looking up at my father and asking 'why? oh why?'.

Why am I here?
Why me?
Why this?
Why him?
Why is it over?
Why isn't it over?
Why did this happen?

Some days I have a clear vision of what my life is to be like. Sometimes I believe that God put me here because He wants me so desperately He will do what it takes to keep me in His hand...and yeah, that even means keeping me from a man I sometimes idolize.

The other day I had such a wonderful blessing from God. He gave me another vision of 'why'. A very dear friend, who I had only known for a short time while I lived in Idaho, emailed me and shared with me that her husband had left her. That he was unresponsive to her love and affection. He had moved out and didn't seemingly want to reconcile to her.
My heart was broken.
I cried.
The memories were scraped raw in my heart. I could hear her desperation. Her longing for a good marriage, and a loving man.
After praying for her...and selfishly for my own hurting heart, I emailed her back. God gave me simple words to say.
Nothing extremely wise.
Nothing epic to write about really...but I felt such a peace. And a sense of wonder that in all this!
God can still get glory from something ugly. He can still work and be amazing in the hardest times. He can even use me.

⁵For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him.
⁶He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken.
⁷On God rests my salvation and my glory; my mighty rock, my refuge is God. ⁸Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us. Selah
Psalms 62:5-8