faking a smile with a coffee to go!

I am pretty sure that most people who know me, know that I'm a...*ahem* /cough, a christian. Sometimes I dislike telliing people that I am a "christian" simply for the sake that it has almost become a bad word. So many negative ties to the label, that there are times I would rather just say, I believe in Jesus!

My biggest, absolute biggest reason for disliking the title so much is that I'm a failure. Yep. A big huge dopey failure. I'm probably one of those people that most non-christians talk about when they tell other people why they don't like christians. It's not that I outright do things that are wrong or 'sinful'...it just happens.

Last week at our church we had Kevin Lehman speak. Out of everything I heard, one thing stuck. It probably stuck to me like sticky tape because I identify with what he was talking about. It pierced me in my heart and oh, it felt great.
He said, "We are not perfect beings. We can try and try, but we'll never be perfect." Boy howdy. I understand that. No matter how hard I try to not lose my temper, or swear...I swear! I just can't do it. I can't live up to any ideals no matter how hard I try.
Mr. Lehman also gave me hope and freedom in his simple advice of: "Just flaunt it. Everybody has their imperfections, there isn't much good in hiding it."

I figured out this concept at like...5 years old, when I realized that grownups cry, hurt and get angry like everyone else. No one is exempt from real life, real struggles and real living. I am not sure why I have set these HUGE HERKIN goals for myself. To live perfect, or at least look like I'm perfect in front of all my friends...because really, who am I kidding? :)

I guess I'm mostly just saying this for the sake of myself. Admitting outloud that I'm not perfect, I'm not even close to being righteous. I'm not your ideal of a "good" christian. So what. What matters is that I try. :)

And lately I have felt really, really loved by God. For much of my life I have felt like a big faker christian girl who mostly fooled people into thinking she was alright. When I felt that way, I also felt that maybe God saw thru me, and was like, "tsk, tsk". And He judged me and wouldn't love me like He loves all His other "awesome" daughters. :(
I am not sure where or when, but something clicked and I realize that no matter how I am, or what I look like, or who I pretend I am, God doesn't see that. He loves me no matter what. In spite of me. Yay. :)