It's Habakkuk, with a K

When I get the chance, I think about the things I really want in my life and I realize that I truly want very little. The things I want are of high value and generally are hard to score, but they seem somewhat insignificant.

I have so much less in my life now than I ever have. My apartment is tiny, I have no significant other, I work a low-income job, and often times don't have money for anything extra...YET. YET, I find some sort of peace with it.

It freaks me out personally. Because I have such a princess complex. I believed for a long time that I was entitled to good things, and definitely acted in that manner. God totally took down my haughty spirit and showed me a way of humility (He still does because frankly I'm slow) that has me rejoicing in every trial as of late.

An opportunity to reflect back the glory of God simply because I have not...or maybe I have lots. lol

Referring to the Bible, there was a man named Habakkuk that had a lot of stuff going on in his country. He did without a lot of things too. God was certainly mad at Habakkuk's country when he wrote:

17 Though the fig tree should not blossom,
nor fruit be on the vines,
the produce of the olive fail
and the fields yield no food,
the flock be cut off from the fold
and there be no herd in the stalls,
18 yet I will rejoice in the Lord;
I will take joy in the God of my salvation.
19 God, the Lord, is my strength;
he makes my feet like the deer's;
he makes me tread on my high places.
-Habakkuk 3:17-19

So life was pretty crappy for Habakkuk and his country. God still granted him the grace to rejoice.

How can God do any less for me?
I'm asking God not for any 'thing'. But Peace. Happiness. Love. And coffee....:)

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right here. right now.

I moved to Spokane for one sole reason.

My kids.

The trip to see their dad in PF, Idaho was around 3 hours one way. Each and every weekend, we made the trek to the midway meeting point where they would go spend maybe 35 hours with their dad. It took it's toll.

So, I moved. I had a really great job. I was making a life for myself in Omak...in spite of being a city girl at heart, I really loved the rural area. Not to mention all the family that lived less than an hour away in every direction!

I don't know why I did it sometimes. I find myself now unemployed in a big bustling city that I love, but poor as Job's turkey. lol. It's hard to reckon that I'm cut out to be a leader of any kind, or if I should even be entrusted with three fantastic awesome children.

I fear failure on any good day. On the worst days, it's almost crippling. Right now, I'm terrified that I can't do this. That I'm not good enough.

I know the Lord gives us strength. I know He is the author and finisher of my faith. But dude. seriously. Seriously. I need Him to be a physical answer right now...and it's like He's no where. I'm not saying I don't trust God, nor am I saying I don't believe He is going to get me out of this..or see me through it..however y'all want to say it.

I'm just testifying that only God can fix this, because there's no other way human possible. So stay tuned.

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nothing hanging over me

The school year is almost over for my kiddos. I can't believe we've gone one whole year of living in Omak without Sean! It's been an amazing journey.

The hardest parts about co-parenting is not always agreeing how to raise your children. You never think once you get married that you'll be divorced...you also never think that your ex's lifestyle or who they associate with might be disagreeable to you once you've split up! It makes for interesting heated debates when it comes right down to it.

What's best for the kids? How do I help my kids get through this?

Once you divorce I think there is a tendancy to 'baby' the children. They're suffering...they're hurt, they're confused! But after a while you realize (if you're intelligent) that they pick up on a free mile. They'll run all over you! haha.
I quickly realized as a single mom that there was a lot to know about single parenting. It's different than parenting as a couple. You're mom AND dad. Or rather you're mom and more mom. :)

We've had ups and downs, but I'm seeing real fruit in all my children. Watching them interact and discuss ideas and feelings with each other is something I never tire of. Our dinner time is the absolute hands down best time of the whole day. We're all together. We bow to pray and there is this SIGH of...Together.

For a while it hurt a lot to sit down to meals without Sean. I know we felt empty...like a huge hole in our life. We even went a period of time without sitting at the table because it stung. Then we slowly began to create new patterns and ways to interact. God heals. :)
We pray together a lot. We sing. We eat. We READ.

They don't get away with much with their mom...haha.

I'm so proud of this quiver I've been blessed with! I get so many compliments on how smart, well behaved and sweet they are...and I chalk it all up to God being the head of our home. He leads us in a good path! He shows us how to love, He heals and comforts when things are hard.

The best thing you can do for your kids after divorce is love God, pray for healing and keep having dinner together every night!

Happy fun rainbows!
Sarah Lynn

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amazed at how stupidly prideful you still seem to be

Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised. Proverbs 31:30 NLT

I still shake my head sometimes at how stupid some of my past is.
Blind.
Arrogant.
Together. (or they think they are.)
More blind.

I've made many mistakes in my short career as a human. So many I can't begin to name them all...moreover cannot ever begin to cast a stone in any direction.
Sheepish is how I feel when I see people I know living in sin, walking uprightly 'with arrogance' and hiding behind their churches, Jesus shoes and shiny steeples. I shouldn't be surprised...or proud.

I'm frightened. I guess it's because so many times in these past few years, I have visited darkness. I've had demons and devils minister to my heart. (Yes, I believe Christians can be influenced by demons.)
It scares me to think about...being a FAKER again. Hiding behind my own ideals of self righteousness and churchy wisdom.
I want to question EVERYTHING.
I want to test,
I want to try,
I want to pray,
I want to cry...
Because I remember the dark. I remember being blind to who/what I was.

It makes me fearful of what times we live in.
When most "christians" aren't real christ followers. They are followers of themselves. They idolize who they "think" they are in Christ. How righteous they might appear in their blog, on their myspace or their facebook.

I worry for my soul.
My fragile heart.
I know there is wickedness in me.
Redeemed is my song.
Failure is my shadow.

So I search my heart.
I pray for my friends.
I pray for my enemies.
I wonder what this world will look like for my children.
When wolves don't look like wolves.

The stain-glass masquerade is the new parade.

The Lord doesn’t see things the way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart. 1 Samuel 16:7 NLT

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how do i heal

It's been one official year since I have started the whole crazy journey to healing my heart.
Technically it's been over 3 years since my problem with my marriage began. I've loved, lost and grown up a lot in that time. Since a year ago, I have taken a lot of time to just reflect on who/what I am and who/what I am becoming. Sometimes I feel like I take it overboard with the whole...examining my soul.

"Examine yourselves to see if your faith is genuine. Test yourselves. Surely you know that Jesus Christ is among you; if not, you have failed the test of genuine faith." -11 Cor.13:5

The hardest part about God's will is knowing WHAT THE HECK IS GOD'S WILL. :P
Sometimes I feel Him lead in me every single breath I breathe. Other times I'm fumbling around in the dark like I don't know what!

I ask God daily to keep my heart. I place it in His hands every morning. I don't even get out of bed until I have taken that deep breath and asked my Father to HELP me. Because some mornings it's so hard to get up. Getting up to face the day 'alone'. Going at my finances 'alone'. Raising my children, 'alone'. Everything everything 'alone'. My heart is often still battered and sore from the betrayals and sins against my marriage.

But I recognize too that over time...it's slowly gotten better. Things look brighter. It doesn't hurt so badly I can't breathe. I can breathe.

I can say that I still love my ex-husband very much. I can say that I would love to try again and not feel ashamed in it.

It's also coming to a place where I am finally removing blinders to the lies I've believed about myself. For so long...I've believed that I am less than a woman. Less than human even. I was not first in my husband's heart. Another woman held that place...it was gut wrenching. I believed I held no value. I have no worth. I am not worthy to be a wife, a lover or a friend...because he didn't want me. I'm seeing in the light of true healing, that what he did does not define how my God sees me and loves me.

When I look around, I see men who adore my friendship. Men who like talking to me, and hanging out with me...it's flattering. My tender heart is in a place that is quite fragile.
I will be honest with my blog and say, it's terrifying. Because I so badly want to be loved and cherished and adored in this life. I want a mate, a husband and best friend. It's so easy to be caught in a trap of sin and let my heart slide right into a lie that just because I have a man's attention that it's okay.

After all this time...what does it look like to be healed. To be 'recovered'. I read a whole ton of books on the subject and I fit in some of the descriptions...other times I'm so far from the ideal, I worry I will never leave this valley I began a few years ago.

So it's back to examining...and looking, pondering and wondering.
God..what are you doing with me? What is supposed to be there? How am I to respond to what is put before me?
Don't let me wander. Don't let me forget where I've been.


PS. Sorry this is so diary like! But it's on my heart and it has to be said! :)
<3 SarahLynn

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elegant crimes

(Photo taken from the Flickr group)
I have been attempting to create this pinwheel blanket for my new nephew. He isn't born yet...and I have spent the last 2 months procrastinating/psyching myself up to start on this. After I heard that my sister was pregnant I knew I wanted to knit her something for the new little one!
But this project has pretty much been the hardest project(next to socks) that I have done so far in my knitting career. I have taught myself how to start a diameter project with dpns, 2 circs and the magic loop method! But I still have NOT gotten anywhere past the first 4 rows!
I am not sure what I'm doing wrong. I've read forums, help guides etc, but I am going no where. It's gotten so bad I even pulled out my crochet hook thinking a crochet blankie would be easier! However, I quickly put that away, because I love knitted objects and I really want my new nephew to have something knitted from ME.

I even managed to buy a really good durable yarn for the project! He's not getting a stash blankie, but a brand new hand picked yarn from the LYS in Spokane! (that's like 170 miles for me)

I'm frustrated. Not sure what I need to change up.
I thought I would blog about it...because I have spent almost 4 days picking it up and starting and doing it over and over and frogging and fragging, swearing and yelling. lol. I even prayed about it. haha.

Hopefully I will figure it out and it will be a pic of MY pinwheel you see soon.

God bless you little nephew. I hope I get this done by the time you get here. heehee.

<3>

As some of you know, I'm praying about re-locating to Spokane and going back to school. I'm in the process of having a 'look-see' over the city.

I visited this amazing body of believers on Sunday. I don't say "church" I guess because they seemed to be anything but a "church". Yeah, they met in a building and they had music, and a pastor. They even took up an offering. :)
But, they were talking community and not having a Sunday meet up next week because of Bloomsday. :P The pastor insisted that their world was meeting up for Bloomsday, what better way to minister to the city, than to go join in on the festivities. Going out and being the church outside the building is something I know Jesus invented.

I'm praying mightily that God would show me where I am to go. That God lead my steps and keep me close to His side so I can be in a place where I can minister and be ministered to.
This place was fabulous!

As well as during worship time...one of the band members was playing a pinapple ukulele! haha
And they sang HYMNS. My favoritiest hymn of all time even. I wonder if you can get more neon sign than that?

Asking for your prayers. I so want to remain in my Father's will. More than anything I desire to stay in the shadow of His wing and be led to amazing wonderful places that He has for me!

<3Hearts and rainbows!!
SarahLynn

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