From last year

I asked my therapist if he thought I was "normal".
I think I have had that question burning in my soul ever since I discovered that my skin, hair and eyes were different than all the other white people who lived on my block. I was 5 years old. :)

There is this longing within me to just be "normal". I'm not sure what I think that looks like.
Some days I want it to be the white picket fence and the dog.
Other days, I want it to be a happy, stable marriage.
And even on the best days, want to not worry about money.
There are times when I want normal to be skinnier, prettier, smarter...

My 'normal'...is a crying, sarcastic, sometimes depressed, looking for attention, needy person. So, when I asked my therapist...
"So...do you think I'm normal?"

He grandfatherly replied.
"Normal is a judgment. You say, "normal"...what you mean is someone else's idea. At some point you get it in your head that there is something 'wrong' with how you feel, believe, and think. The term normal is some 'imaginary' standard humans have invented. The best question to ask yourself is, "Is that natural?" Ask yourself that and see what you come up with."

Yeah...that's why I pay the man.
So he has time to think of profound things like that. haha.

But it rings so true.
It's natural that I would feel pain.
Hurt.
Anger.
Tears.
It's natural that I need time.
Forgive.
Heal.
Trust.
It's natural that I will still struggle.
Reliving.
Memories.
Bad days.

Maybe you knew all this crap I have been chewing on for days, heck, weeks even!
It's definitely been eye opening.
I kinda feel like I've been sleeping for a long time.
Now, I'm waking up to a new world where there's less of myself throwing out judgments and stones.
Freeing. :)